A railway surprise that turned sour

Even before I had started packing my ‘clean’ clothes (I had washed them unlike my friends who had at least one thing for their mother), Shashank stormed (surprisingly! without any book in hand) into my room and declared that this time he would be going in Sleeper Class. He asked about mine and I replied with pride, “What else, Rajdhani”.

“Hey, bakwaas , nahi. Last time only you had gone in Sleeper, hadn’t you?”

“Oh, ho! That’s an entirely different issue. OK, tell me why Sleeper in this super-hot whether?”

“I thought for a change of plan. Last time I had gone in Rajdhani. Yaar,koi nahi dikhi. Kharab kismet! But you got one just opposite to your seat. This time I thanked papa for my Sleeper ticket. Go on Rajdhani and see by yourself there are only families and oldies. No girls, man“

“I know but I preferred comfort over being roasted raw for seeing some chicks. Let’s see if I am lucky.”
(Then suddenly Atharav enters carrying a book and sporting his pink shirt which he has been wearing for the last week.)

Bhediye! Pagal kahi ke!! Book lene se pehle puch toh liya hota. Hey! Why you are running. You just come within my reach”

(Shashank started chasing him.)

“Bye,Shashank!”

“You won’t get any girl. I’m sure’, he shouted back.
***************************************************
Next day, I packed my stuffs and started my journey to my home Mohannagar. Thanks to fantastic location of our college at Mohanpur, I had to leave hostel a good 3 hours early to reach on time. Nothing interesting happened usually during the bus trip and that was a usual day. On reaching station, I said, “Finally!” I quickly located the train and boarded into my bogey. When I entered, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

My goodness! I couldn’t believe my eyes. There were girls all around me. Whole pack of girls was struggling with their luggage. In my compartment only, out of 8 seats, 7 belonged to them. Apparently, they were going on a school trip.It took them some minutes to arrange their ‘extra-large’ luggages. One who had the largest one had to confess to her friends, who were helping her in pushing it below the seat, that she had packed only lucky no.11 tops in addition to usual female paraphernalia. As soon as they were comfortable, one of them recognized that I was sitting there and said,

“Uncle!…”

“Uncle mat kaho, yaar. Bhaiya chalega”

“OK! Bhaiya, if you could exchange your seat with one of the few we had in next bogey, it would be so sweet of you. All our friends could then sit together and chat.”

(I was in no mood to do that but for showing my sweetness, I had to leave that special bogey.)

The adventure of a name called ‘Vaibhav Karve’

When Vaibhav Karve entered IISER K campus, his name had no indication that it was going to suffer any assault. During the very first lecture of Life Science on the first day, the instructor asked his name. He stood (at that very moment, Cupid got his first victim. Yes, somebody fell in love) and said, “Vaibhav Karve”. The instuctor said, “Oh! Baibhab Karbe! What is life?” He thought that this would be the first and the last mistake regarding saying his name. But he was wrong. This is life.
Throughout the first semester, during LS lectures, whenever sir called ‘Baibhab’, it took some moments for dozing Vaibhav to realise sir is calling him. But, no probs. Sir was considerate. But he always blamed sir’s wrong pronunciation for his getting caught dozing often. He waited patiently for the semester to end. Then he started looking out into this issue during vacations. Ah! he found out. In Bengali script, there is a letter which looks like Devangiri script ‘v’ but sadly for him, it is pronounced as ‘b’. So,in bangla, you can find stalls selling ‘vada pav’ exclaiming ‘bada pab’ in bold letters on their respective banners. On some cases, Bengalis become sentimental on their inability to use v. So, they use ‘v’ sometimes unnecessarily. For example, welcome has been noticed to be written as ‘velcome’.

In the next semester, all Profs including LS Prof got replaced. Thank God! Now no,Baibhab Karbe because new LS instructor didn’t prefer to call students’ name (He didn’t do this to save effort in remembering 90 students’ name. On the contrary, it would have been easier for him to do so because merely a score of them attended his classes. For he had droning voice that was almost guaranteed to cause severe drowsiness within ten minutes, five in AC switch-on mode. Most of them couldn’t resist the soporific power of his voice).The new Maths Prof was a young IITian who was the head of movie club. During roll-calls when he came to Vaibhav’s same, he called “Vaibhav Garve” taking inspiration from Bollywood style Mumbai Police constables.

On his birthday, he got a cake from an acquaintance living in Kolkata ‘city’. On seeing his cake, his friends started taking photo not of the cake, but of what was written on it- “Happy Birthday to Bhaibav!”
But that is not end of the story. One abnormal day when Animesh Biswas was not at his home, Vaibhav took his mobile and was scanning his phonebook for Bengali females numbers. If it hadn’t been Bengal, he would have passed that particular name without much ado. But surely he was not expecting his name to be written as such and that too by his own roommate (defining roommate as one whose belongings is kept in the same room) –

 “Bhaebab Karbe”

Pathik ke saath fultoo bakwaas 1.3

Your correspondent one fine day decides to visit APC Roy Boys’ Hostel during ‘Rush Hour’, i.e. at 8:30 am. It seems the whole sea of humanity (except Mr. P) is running hard to reach just one place: the bathroom. Mr. P prefers to go to his room for sleeping as he hasn’t slept yet. In the common bathroom, all are busy doing some task or the other. You can easily identify which cubicle is being used by Raaz, by seeing his slippers kept outside. He is singing comfortably inside while others, waiting outside for their turn, are shouting at him to hurry up. By the looks of Gaurav, you can see he is again late and trying his best to catch up with others by brushing his teeth brutally. But in this mayhem, there is somebody who is quite relaxed. Although his wet hair is combed, he is still brushing his teeth. He walks slowly and ‘randomly’. There is my man: Random. What follows is given below-

Me: Hi! Good morning. I hope you have some time.
R: Ya …I have some. Only …brushing was left.
Me: That means today you are in a mood to skip your bath.
R (Folds his hand together): No way. I … have already … taken bath. Aren’t you …seeing my…wet… combed… hair?
Me: But then brushing after taking bath? Isn’t it odd?
R: Nothing is odd …about it. Order …doesn’t matter… to me. Who told… you that… brushing…should be done… before …taking bath?
Me: OK. You may be correct. Another question: why are you known as ‘random’?
R: Wait a sec.
(He unfolds his hands and pokes his left index finger in his ear, while his right hand holds his head. Now, he starts vigorously scratching his ear producing a ‘chuk…chuk…’ sound. The other hand has to sweat a lot to keep his head steady.)
Yes, what were you saying? Actually…., it’s a good question. You…. should ask this to those…who… have given me …this name. I too …want an answer to this. Mohit! Why don’t you answer that question?
Mohit: The answer is simple. His motion is equally probable in all directions. When he walks, just watch him from the backside. You just can’t predict where he is going. His head is tilted at an odd angle while his eyes look at an entirely different direction while his mouth hangs open.
VK: Also, in the class, look at him when he asks his famous and lengthy doubts. Firstly, by the time he completes his question, most of us are asleep. Then after he completes his question, he stares in all directions except in that of profs., who either ask him to repeat or look back at him blankly for what seems like almost forever.
Me: That brings me to my next question. You are known for asking tons of questions in classes. What keeps you going?
R : Actually…, I am the messiah … who reveals to the class …that who is a true prof…. or who is not, who is trying …to befool… students and who is ….giving useful …concepts. Sometimes they quietly cover up their mistakes. But I don’t allow them to do so.
Me: It is very noble of you to think so much for the class. Your batch mates reveal that sometimes you appear to be dozing off. But then suddenly you would ask a question and that question will be better than those asked by the people, who were listening intently. But everyone, including profs, have a common complaint against you. Why do you take so many painful pauses while speaking?
R: Always… remember: the… choice of… words …speaks… a lot about… your …clarity….of thought. You … should give… extreme… importance to… words.
Me: That doesn’t mean you don’t give importance to the listener’s patience, does it. No wonder profs have to wait a lot for u to complete your question. By the way, people have heard you talking on phone to a girl from Indore. Umm…you are smiling. What’s that?
R (gives a child-like innocent smile): Hey, actually…there’s nothing …between us. She was just …asking …some doubts… related to …‘spherically hindered structures’ …over the phone. It was really … difficult for me to… explain to her… over … phone with no headphones on.
Me: Why do you require headphones to talk to a girl?
R: No, not because …the caller …was a girl. Actually…., I need …my hands to be… folded so that …I can think… clearly… and explain… to her properly.I think… that these many… questions… would suffice. Now, it’s… getting late …for class.Ok, then, hi! Good Morning.
Me: Ya, I should also leave. You should better hurry otherwise Gaurav will reach before you. …Hey! Did I hear you correctly? You said hi? Allow me to remind you it’s time to wish good bye,not say hi, good morning.
R: Why… are you …so forgetful? I have … already stated …that “Order… is… not…important!”

Pathik ke saath fultoo bakwaas 1.2

Recently, ABS was awarded by the Vodafone Telecom as the ‘Most Satisfying Customer’ for the month of February 2011. Trusted sources reveal that his daily expenditure is at least Rs.200 while talking to his ‘somebody special’. He manages to do this even at the world’s cheapest call rates i.e. 50 paise /minute. Your correspondent dropped in at his residence and here is the subsequent talk he had with him:

BP opens the door and gives me threatening looks. I enter cautiously, remembering my previous encounter with him and look out for my man.
(ABS is smiling. He seems very happy.)
Me: Hi! Congratulations for the Vodafone award.
(No response…… Ah! Now the picture is clear: He is talking with her. His face seems tired of smiling and smiling. After all, it is not a mean task to keep your 16 facial muscles smiling always.)
Me: Hi Again! I had talked to you on phone.
ABS (saying to her): OK! wait 4 a sec; I hav 2 go 2 d loo. I’ll call u soon.
Ya. Hi! Sorry 4 d trouble.
Me (Forcedly smiling): This is no trouble as compared to what I faced when I tried to call you. I actually got you in what was meant to be my last attempt at calling you up.
ABS (smiling a little; not daring to test his tired muscles): I’d say u wer quite lucky. VK doesn’t get 2 reach me b4 15 attempts. But 1 thing u wud
agree. Only love-struck pepl can giv such trouble 2 der fellow friendz. This is wat every1 wants 2 fall in2. She’s sooooo loving!
Me: Ya, I have heard she approached the Director during the Mid-Sem Exams. Why was it so?
ABS: Oh! Dat was 4 scrapng d stupid rule of not allowng d use of cell fones durin xams. She requstd him so dat I can tak 2 her while gvng xams.
Me: That was so sweet of her. Hereafter every couple of your college will remember your name bridging the distances between them and their loved
ones during exam time. By the way, your nameplate on the door says your name as ‘Ama ke dim’. What’s that?
ABS(his tired muscles tighten): Dat’s nothng. A misnomer. ‘Dim’ means egg. N I m pure veg. Next ques.
B.P (intervenes, almost shouting): Ya, a veggie who eats eggs. Due to people like you, fish-loving SM (bro of PM) roams around and introduces himself as a pure veggie.
Me: I have heard that while playing volleyball, you give her ‘live’ updates about the scores and shots. How do you manage to do that?
ABS: C, it’s simpl. 1ce u hit d ball, it’s d other team’s turn 2 hit it. So, u r free 4 d hole 10 secs in whch u can xchang atleast 5 sms. Dat’s y, I evn speak in sms lingo now-daz.
Me: Man! You have nerves of steel. Are you not frightened that the ball might hit you?
ABS: Pepl don’t call me D volleyball player 4 nothin. I m vry adept at dodgin d ball. Harry Potter took inspiratn 4m none oder dan me. Dat’s y he can dodge Bludgers so well. As it happns wid gr8 playrs of oder games, I was 1ce d victim of fate. I saw d ball comin. I txtd her, ”it’s my turn. m goin 2 hit”. As soon as I pressd d ‘send ‘ buttn, I got hit! HVD had directd a smash at me n I tastd it.
Me: You have been known to say that your second love is chemistry. Many 10MScrazies have started getting one concept crystal-clear in their mind: They won’t take Chemistry as their major. What’s your take?
ABS: Let’s cmpare it wid math and p6. Der u r bound by d chains of abstrct thngs whch hav no practicl use. Is dis wat u call logic? Chem gives u freedm 2 do watevr u want. If u r confusd bout smthng, jus say resrch is goin on 2 clarfy it. U’ll b corrct wid 90% probab. It is sch a dynmic subjct dat evry concpt is a functn of time. U wanna chnge a paramtr, jus chnge d conditn in wich u r workng. Dat paramtr wont luk d same. Dat’s it. Wat mor do u want 4m a sub?
Me: Just a last question. I have heard that your relationship is strong. You don’t quarrel easily. Once her father had picked ur phone, and u had to bear his brunt. Then also u listened meekly, (oh!sorry) quietly. What’s the secret behind this love recipe?
ABS: R u insultng me or praisng me? Newayz, she is vry undrstndng…
Suddenly , phone rings and ABS face shows utmost dread. He picks up phone slowly.
Her(she’s screaming, so I can hear her voice): U liar! Do u take dis long 2 p? Tell me WHOM ver u talkng 2?

Pathik ke saath fultoo bakwaas 1.1

This correspondent got news that B.P has fled from the Mohanpur campus without attending the once in a year DJ night that IISER hosted on Friday; inspite of the fact that he had paid Rs.200 for that. It was told that he got frustrated with his friends bringing objectionable things into his room. This correspondent frantically combed the City of Joy (Kolkata) and caught our very own B.P in IIM, Calcutta. 
Here is the subsequent talk he had with him.

Me: Hi! Do you know that whole college is searching for you? What confidential work has brought you here?
B.P: He, He…. Well, I know I am the star. But they can wait. For I have come to attend a very important seminar here in IIM Calcutta on “How to save the Intellectual Rights of your newly discovered Chemical Compounds?” They told me also how to earn a lot of money from my patents.
Me: You recently attended the NIUS Camp in Mumbai. You were interviewed by the big shots of our country in Organic Chemistry. How was your experience?
B.P (looking very serious): I was saddened.
Me: Why?
B.P: I met IIT JEE AIR 15 there. I wonder how he got that rank.He knows next to nothing about Chemistry. Then the interview panel asked questions that were so trivial that before they ended their question, I told them the answer. Do you know I had to go twice out of that room to hide my frustration over them? If this is the story of leading centers of Chemistry, then Indian future is dark.
Me: I hope the situation would improve when you will head the Scientific Advisory Committee to PM. Another thing, I have heard that whenever you go to any institute, you are conferred a special prize.
B.P: He, he… I guess they don’t have much option left. They think it is better to get associated with me before I start thinking with whom my name should be attached. Now, my school gave me the Special Prize in recognition for my special ability in shaking conical flasks.Go and ask Mohit. I had given a demo to him. That boy was doing titration with a burette and conical flask. He was not hitting the wall of the conical flask even once with the burette. It is very important to do so and I am an expert at doing it, creating a lot of noise in the process. I hope he now knows how to shake well.
Me: Then you would have been given a prize from IIM Calcutta also?
B.P: He, He…How did you come to know? It must have come in the Telegraph. These people just don’t leave me alone. Yes, they did give it to me. It was for the “Best Sitting Posture throughout the Two Hour Seminar”.
Me: No wonder that pretty women like Ms. Government roam around you. I met her. She was missing you in the DJ night.
B.P: Hmmm… I too wanted to dance with her again.
Me: Again?
B.P: Ya, it is a secret. Please don’t tell to other girls. Otherwise, their heart would be broken. I wish to keep the race wide open.
Me: I will try my best not to spill your beans. OK! Bye. I am privileged to talk with you.

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